I'm moving out of there! No more dark sides :)


www.michelle-cheam.blogspot.com

Haha I'm back! Welcome to the dark side. Alright not that dark anymore. I'm emoing so let me be for a while.

It's strange when you make a full round and find out that you're on the same spot again. Though you try so hard to get out of that ring but you never seem to be able to break free from it. When you seek help.. Well I guess Help's not something you look for. It just comes. So if it comes by that's good. If it doesn't, well then, as they say, Deal with it.

Great tag line. Does it make sense to say it? I have no idea how that would be helping someone who's looking for help. Or maybe its just me. I'm just that helpless thing that cries save me. But no, nobody really cares enough to save me.

I have an alter ego. So perhaps this is really the real dark me. I never thought I would find you, and seriously, you're freaking me out sometimes.

But I guess you'll deal with it. You always have. Or I could always end it.

Eh yeah? End it? Nope there's much more than what you think there is. So many options. So many people who love you. So many things to do.

Yeah, do the things I suck at, look at the people who love me without being able to love them in return. You're a lousy human being.

Yeah but I just have to work at being that better person.

You'll never be that better person.

I could be. Maybe.

Ah just get on with it. So am I doing it or not?

Give me a minute. Perhaps if someone showed that they cared.. You know like maybe? Somehow I was important to them?

Yeah.. Alright. I'll give you 15 minutes. I'm all set to go.

Thankfully, and thank God too. There was someone. I seriously need some help. This self talking does not help. And these voices seriously do not go away. They're so real sometimes I think that there's someone listening in to the voice in my head. Its up to you to guess which voice it is.

But seriously, I'm freaking myself out. It was so easy. To just leave it all behind and walk out. I'm all on my own now to face all the mess that I've created anyways. If there's anyway out at all. It wasn't my fault. But who asked me to tell lies and play the innocent game.

I wish I didn't say anything. I wish I couldn't say anything at all. I wish I just am not able to speak since I never say anything right. My self-esteem has seriously taken a beating for a while. I'm so insecure and yet full of myself. Please make sense of that insightful statement I've made.

Nope there's nobody to help me. Just me, and the bible. and God. And tt's about it. Nobody else.

I'm all on my own. With the voice in my head. Please go away voice.

What happens to me

It doesn't matter
What will happen
Coz it hasn't happened yet
Won't know if it ever will
But I guess it won't be important

Doesn't matter to you
Or to anyone else for that matter
Probably to that One and only above
Guess it won't make a difference
If its good or bad

Coz I guess it doesn't matter
To you
Whether or not I'm well and alive
Or if i'll be for the next hour or so
Its not important

Nothing is really important
As I see it
I don't need the fake cares and smiles
The superficial questions that last for a year
Or so

Its not to important
What happens to me
What will or already has
Nobody cares
If its important or not.

I'm feeling a tad confused of some sorts. haha i'll just ramble along.

Does it count if someone did something for me coz I told them to? Kinda like you got me a banana just coz I asked for it. Hmm I'm just wondering if this would qualify as love perhaps? Or maybe it isn't. So if i did something jsut coz someone asked me to do it for them I'm not actually loving them but I'm obligated to do it. Kinda.

When you know you're accepted by the person would you feel afraid if you knew that you've fallen short? Kinda like afraid to reveal it. Afraid of being scolded for your flaws again? Or is it good to be scolded for your flaws? I mean it's not a life-threatening fault, but it could get quite bad. But if I were to scold someone time and time again and get upset with them coz they haven't met the standard that i've got, does that qualify as acceptance? I know God accepts me for who I am and sets a standard for the person I should be. And I know too that He gets upset when I don't meet that standard. But I guess He won't force me to conform and force it down my throat right?

Hmm.. I'm just trying to relearn these concepts again - Love, acceptance, respect. I know it sounds odd. I've been in a relationship for about 2 years odd now, but I kinda feel like I really don't understand these 3 words very much. I'm pretty easily swayed by what others tell me coz i dun really know what to think.

How can love be quantified when one is held against one's will or forced to conform? Then one won't be doing it out of love anymore. It'll be sheer pressure and a mountain load of expectations that compel and drive this "act of love" towards another.

But then again, how can one love without expectations for the betterment of the other? Surely you would want your target of love to be the perfect right person and godly of course. but then again aren't you doing the very same thing that you detest?

It should be quite simple and not as philosophical as I think it is. but it's complicated coz there are other pple watching too. Why am I getting so affected by a few comments and perspective? Yet I'm afraid to say anything coz I haven't decided for myself what those words really mean and how they're related, lest i should get even more confused.

For now I think I'm just gonna take it this way. No expectations, therefore no obligations.

But then again, is it wrong to expect? I'm quite confused.

Just the dressing on top of the salad,

The topping on the ice cream,

Probably just a nut, not even the whip cream.

I'll never be the object of fascination,

Or even the meat bits or the leafy greens,

Much less the flavour of the ice cream.

I'll remember that I'm easily forgotten,

Just a memo note that got stuck on the fridge a couple years back and unremoved.

Like a drawing on a cup.

Whose price is long forgotten,

And whose value was long lost.

I'm not even the crown,

Perhaps a bead on an anklet.

Hidden and unseen.

I look good to the others,

Just like how those rainbow sparkles light up the cone.

But not of any use or value.

I guess I'm just an accessory.

My world is closing in
On the inside
But I’m not showing it
When all I am is crying out
I hold it in and fake a smile
Still I’m broken
I’m broken
Only one can understand
And only one can hold the hand
Of the broken
Of the broken

When no one else knows how I feel
Your love for me is proven real
When no one else cares where I’ve been
You run to me with outstretched hands
And You hold me in your arms
Again

I need no explanation of why me
I just need confirmation
Only You could understand the
emptiness inside my head
I am falling
I am falling
I’m falling down upon my knees
To find the one who gives me peace
I am flying
Lord I am flying

When no one else knows how I feel
Your love for me is proven real
When no one else cares where I’ve been
You run to me with outstretched hands
And You hold me in Your arms
Again

I have come to you in search of faith
Cause I can’t see beyond this place
Oh You are God and I am man
So I’ll leave it in Your hands


haha exactly what i mean. Guess at the end of the day the solution is really with God and not me.

It's like I'm suddenly caught in the moment between waking up and sleeping. Kinda wondering if everything is real because I feel like nothing makes too much sense anymore. And I'm walking through a dream. Nightmare more of :p

Well I thought being mature means being able to handle all things well and balance it all out on my own. Including my emotions. But i guess I thought wrong. It's not really working. I've been trying to hide behind work and hoping it would get me somewhere but the truth is I'm escaping.

And so what would be so terrifying that I have to run away from you may ask. Well just being me is scary enough. I don't like me, nor do I like the things that makes me me. Haha i know it sounds angsty. But it makes some sense. See i don't like feeling all my stupid emotions that makes me irrational and therefore I'm trying to find something that would stabilize me. Its supposed to be God. But somehow my relationship with Him ain't the most stable thing at the moment. And when I try to find some stability in my other relationships its not really there. And the only thing I can find the balance point for all my emotion is in my work because there's nothing to affect me at all.

It's been a tiring few weeks and I'm beginning to feel the drain on me. Nobody's able to really understand what I'm feeling. Even if they did they wouldn't empathize. I'm not looking for sympathy really. I just wanted someone to understand.

Understand what? haha good question. I have no idea. I just feel like i'm trapped below a whole ton of things and I can't find my way out. It's no use just telling me "there's the way out!" because I can find the exit sign on my own. But what I really need is the help to get there.

There are so many concerns with the decisions that I make. And i have no idea what should be important to me anymore. Rather i know, but I'm kinda struggling to understand why it should be important when from my point of view there are other important pressing things too.

My priorties are all messed up. And i think tt's why I dunno where i'm headed. So what even if I studied for 3/4/5 years? Come out with a masters and get a good high paying job? There's no end to this road and I just want to quit. And so what even if I studied all my life when nothing is put to any use. Then what's the point of studying at all.

Life is supposed to be pretty simple I reckon. Not as complicated as i think it to be. And so is love. But i've kinda messed up the both for now.

ahah i want to be a baking homemaker :)

Haha i suddenly feel very old. Yet small at the same time. Does that make any sense? It's like suddenly I'm caught in an adulthood worth of decisions to make and yet I don't have the capacity to make such decisions. I can't find a way to introduce what I'm rambling about haha. So i shall just ramble here.

I feel like there is so much at stake for the decisions that I'm going to make for the next 2 years. Or 1 year for that matter. Its like all these things just caught me off guard. I wasn't prepared to think of the things I had to sacrifice in order to lead a life that would be pleasing to God. Nor was I prepared to think that I can't handle so many things on my plate. My mom said for a woman you've gotta make a decision and you can't have both at the same time. You can't have family and yet still want to do well in your career. I could though if I were a super woman :p haha of which I'm not.

I never would have thought that i would grow interested in my work or the kinda potential that i could possible explore in it. Not that I'm really interested in it. I think. its just that there is so much I can do in there. if i choose not to go explore all these possibilities out there would I have given up something that I would regret later on in life?

I know of course, that having a family would bring the greatest amount of satisfaction and fulfillment in life that I could ever find. But what sorta family am i going to have? This would only work out if the family isn't dysfunctional. And i fulfill my role. Which is why i was also wondering what then is my role in life. Haha i know this is odd. The textbook answer is to be that godly woman who honours God. Easier said than done. It's much easier to be an architect. haha.

ah i know what I want and I know what God would desire me to be. But i'm just thinking if there is too much at stake and if its all worthwhile. Would I look back on it and regret the decision that I've made? i saw this young mom with 2 young kids.. bringing them to kindergarten, and she looked so haggard and aimless. I don't want to end up like that. Just sitting at home waiting for the day to go by, till i have to pick up my kids and my husband comes home. What am I actually achieving in life?

Haha of course there is no conclusion to this matter. I was just reading that part in Joshua where the Israelites were crossing the River of Jordan.. and its just like how they crossed the red sea! Just that this time round the tabernacle was around. So i was just thinking.. all these decisions that I've gotta made are also a preparation for me as i make the crossing myself. The assurance I had with it is that God would be around.. as long as I'm willing to have him around :p Everybody can choose to not make that crossing with me but I guess I won't be crossing alone. All these 3 years I'm having in archi is like a preparation of sorts. Just like the time taken for 40years in the desert and the reading of the treaty. So now the question is.. What's the promised land?

haha I'm just quite confused. I think its coz my values got a little diluted along the way. all along I've always wanted a family. You know to be that wife and mother. But as I look at myself now and i don't really like the way I am.. I'm kinda asking myself whether or not I can be that person I've wanted to be. I know I'm getting emo :p ha. Its so difficult to prepare myself to fit into such a role. And i can't help but wonder if it'll be much easier if I didn't be. If it is much easier if I'm just like everybody else. Holding a normal job. Doing well in my career. Not caring too much about my other roles. Haha when will i ever be ready to be that godly woman? At least I know I'll be ready to start on my career when I step out of school. There is no curriculum for this mission that God set out for my role in life. And i'm just thinking that maybe.. perhaps I can't be ready for that yet.

And therefore i'm kinda down of late. Coz my plans in life are kinda going into the dumps. it's not that I'm not trying. I am really. But its just getting me nowhere and making me more and more unsure of myself and who I am. Am i going to be that wife? Or that mother? Or that high flier architect? An urban planner? or a full time worker? What is within my capacity to be?

I guess there's still a lot more to learn and to grow. Just like how I felt so small and uneducated when I saw that pre fab building in action that day. Real life action for that matter. I guess in life its just like that. It's always a struggle between my human nature and the purposes that God has set out. A role strain. haha. So i'm just on my way in being that godly woman i guess. I'll probably not achieve it in the next 10 years or something. Haha it's tough k. But I guess that's where the real challenge is. Its not about my design not being up to standard and therefore the challenge is to make it right. But the real challenge is being that person that God wants me to be--the godly woman.

And therefore that sums up my challenge in life. Therefore the decisions i make would be informed by this direction. Haha set! I want to be that godly woman. Ok.. now I need to think what would make or break a godly woman.